the last few days have been tumultuous, confusing, lonely, and a myriad of other feelings that have ultimately left me emotionally and physically drained. Last night I received some respite as well as affirmation and assurance that I am not the nutcase I often feel like.

the lonliness is the worst. not knowing which friends to trust, or who even have time to listen to my misgivings and self-doubts, no one to talk to completely open and honestly. At least I am FINALLY aware of the type of decisions I make when I'm lonely, stressed out, and down on myself. Not acting on those impulses is getting harder and harder. and there's no one to lean on when I'm at wit's end. my spirit needs rest and restoration. my self-esteem is shot, and i feel like i have nothing left to give.

where do i go from here?


I can't remember. Didn't I tell you about that? Are you sure? Did I do that? I thought I did.

I am really hating the hallucinations/vivid dreams. This morning I had to ask my housemate if I had gotten up this morning and cooked. Because I dreamed it had happened, in detail and pretty much in the order that I later did it. I have full conversations that I remember. I dream/remember doing tasks that I am confused about later when I see that they are not done. And of course, my quality of sleep has started to suffer. Just earlier this morning I was falling asleep at my desk. I'm now drinking (guzzling) a Caramel Mocha frappacino in the hopes that I will wake up.

And I have been gently reminded to stop surfing except on breaks. Back to the grind

Annette Sargent

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."  -Robert A. Heinlein

12:20 PM AND I CAN’T STOP FIDGETING!!!!!!!!!!!

I know this has become more a photoblog lately and less of random profound thoughts than it used to be (feel free to laugh :D). Lately I just haven’t had the energy to be a blogger, let alone a writer, and I rarely blog the things going on in my private life, since most of my readers already know what’s going on (or now how to IM and/or e-mail to get the real scoop). Suffice it to say that I have been SUPER stressed out lately and distracted by RL when not depressed by it.

So … I want to thank all the people who have stood by me, encouraged me, verbally slapped some sense into me, and walked with me through some very dark valleys this past year. I am EXTREMELY grateful. And would appreciate it if I could prevail on you just a little longer, because I think it’s going to get infinitely worse before it gets better. You guys have been a real blessing to me, and if I haven’t before, I’m publicly declaring my thanks and love right here.

I’m ready for a road trip. By myself. Far away. I never was someone to just pick up and go, but both my grandmother and mother like(d) to drive to de-stress, decompress and after a day like today I can see the appeal. Just give me a sunset to head off into.

Migraine bad

MRI not so bad (what House leaves out is that MRI machines are loud!) – good thing I am not claustrophobic. I almost fell asleep.

Naps good.

Vicodin good

Coffee good

BUT MY HEAD STILL HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And a co-worker just gave me mini-acupuncture and it worked … for a little bit.

Stress is NOT good.

So, apparently a 4 day headache with no previous history of migraines in my immediate family or myself warrants an MRI. Or she could have sent me to the ER for a CAT scan, that would basically tell me if I was in immediate danger of dying or not. (After the last ER visit I am SO glad that she didn’t).

So I get an MRI tomorrow morning and had bloodwork done today. With my luck my bloodwork will come back normal and the MRI will reaveal (drumroll please) NOTHING.

Though Tim did confirm that I grind my teeth in my sleep. So I get to make a dentist’s appointment to get fitted with a mouth guard. At least it’s not gingivitis …

at least for the most part. Loud sounds still cause me to shy away in pain, but I can finally take my sunglasses off and the vice that has been around my head since Sunday seems to have gone away., I love my boss. She didn’t think I was nuts for wearing sunglasses in the building and even gave me the Excedrin Migraine. I’m just sorry it took until about 3:30/4:00 before it kicked in(I took it at like 8 and headache did not get any better while at work), but I guess that makes sense … phone ringing incessantly, bright lights, and people talking all around me. … Going to the doctor tomorrow.

I’m beginning to that think that even though I am on anti-anxiety meds, my stress level is higher than it has ever been before, I’m just not having a panic attack or mental breakdown. Migraines, receding gum line, hives, breakouts, and a back that won’t stop hurting. And because my body is reacting to the stress, but not my mind … it’s a little confusing to say the least.